The most frequent problem I hear from single clients is that of how and where to search for a partner. Many of them have been searching for a long time, without success; others have been afraid to go out and search at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Most of the horror stories you have heard about dating occur when daters rush the process. Getting intimately involved with someone you don\u2019t know, allowing strangers into your home, or being all alone with someone you just met is just asking for trouble.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dating successfully is an organized process that will take some time. It begins with carefully looking for the right people in the right places. I like to use the metaphor of \u201cSquirrel Hunting\u201d when I talk to clients about how to date successfully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you think of what you\u2019re doing as making friends or Squirrel Hunting instead of dating, it will sound a lot less intimidating, and be easier to change your old habit patterns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Squirrel Hunting<\/strong> \u2014 How to Do it<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are two ways to catch squirrels. One way is to run around and try to grab them or pounce on them — but in so doing you’ll only scare them away, and they’ll run faster than you do every time. In the end, you’ll be very frustrated and exhausted, and you’ll have no squirrels.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Or, you can go to where the squirrels are, offer them something attractive, like walnuts, and wait quietly. This will take a while, but if you are very relaxed and quiet, they will begin to get curious, and soon they will begin to check you out. When you stay relaxed and let them get to know you have goodies, they’ll be all over you, and eating out of your hand. Then you have your choice of several squirrels. Success is nearly guaranteed, if you have a little patience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finding the Right Hunting Grounds<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Where you go is what you get. Bars are not good hunting grounds if you want a successful relationship. In a bar, well, nobody wants that as the tag line on how they met. Instead, find regularly scheduled activities where you can meet and talk to like-minded people, getting to know them a bit before you decide to date them. Classes, sports teams, lessons, hobby groups, community service organizations, discussion groups and church groups are all likely places. If you go to places with activities that interest you, then anyone else you find there will automatically have something in common with you \u2013 the activity. It gives you a great starting place for conversation. When you know the type of person you\u2019re looking for, and go to the right places to meet them, you\u2019ll be successful before you know it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The area of your interests is like the forest where the squirrels are. Once you find it, the people you want to meet will be there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Aside from finding a partner, what interests you? Are you a science or history buff? Do you like to play or watch golf, tennis, basketball or other sports? What about the theater, the arts, politics, photography, science, bridge, books, gardening, computers, crossword puzzles, model (or full-scale) airplanes or boating? The possibilities are endless. If you follow your own interests, you\u2019ll automatically meet people you can have fun with, and who have something in common.<\/p>\n\n\n\n How you follow those interests makes the difference. For example, if you just buy a ticket and go to a baseball game, you are not too likely to meet anyone. (The love of your life could just happen to have the next seat to yours, or be standing in the hot dog line when you go, but the odds aren\u2019t good.) However, if you get involved in a booster club, or find a group of people who enjoy playing or going to games, you\u2019ll have a great chance meeting some friends and eventually making a serious connection. If you just take photos, you\u2019ll have nice photos. If you go to a photography class or group, you\u2019ll have the photos, and a chance to meet others you can \u201cclick\u201d with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To turn your interest into a dating opportunity, just find a way to meet other people who love the same things. Find a group or a class on the subject, and you\u2019ll automatically find others who love it. Through them, you can meet more people, and learn about new resources for finding people who share your interest. If you are feeling tense, just think of all those squirrels, and you can chuckle to yourself, and relax and enjoy it, because its much easier if it\u2019s about something you\u2019re already interested in. The squirrels can check you out and see that you\u2019re non-threatening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In terms of dating, this means having a good time wherever you are, and making yourself comfortable. Relax, talk to some people who seem easy to meet (whether you\u2019d like to date them isn\u2019t important — they can be the wrong age, the wrong gender, etc.) Focus on enjoying whatever is there to enjoy. If you\u2019re attending a class, concentrate on the lesson or the activity, and don\u2019t worry about dating for the moment. Once you get to a function or event, you\u2019ll have a lot more fun if you forget about the dating, and participate fully. You\u2019ll enjoy what you\u2019re doing, and because of that, you\u2019ll be far more attractive to the squirrels.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Preparing yourself<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n To be a successful squirrel hunter, you need to have your life together as much as possible. The key to is to create a successful relationship with yourself, and then use that as your role model for a successful relationship. Start with your body and your health, to develop the energy you\u2019ll need. When you\u2019re well-rested and healthy, you\u2019re at your most attractive. Dress for the hunt, by creating the appearance you think will attract the kind of person you\u2019re looking for. Success in finding a relationship depends more on how you feel about yourself and your own life than on how rich or physically attractive you are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Looks and outer attributes fade in importance very quickly: your personality and self-esteem are what your partner really values. Like the successful squirrel hunter, you need to be able to relax and enjoy the day and place. Patience and a calm attitude not only are very attractive, they also promote thinking clearly and making good choices.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Preparing Your Lair <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Set up a cozy place in your living room for conversation and relaxing, then , if you like, burn a candle or some incense there to concentrate your energy and focus your thoughts on what you want. Walk into your place and look around with a stranger\u2019s eyes. Do you like what you see? If not, make some changes until your living space reflects who you are. Then, when an occasion arises to invite someone (or a small group) over, you\u2019ll feel good about doing that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What\u2019s Fun about You?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Your fun qualities are the tempting bait you offer. What do your friends like to do with you? What do they seek you out for? Do they like to come to your place for dinner? Other options could be check out the beach, go walking or bike riding. To work on projects together? Would your friends say you have a good sense of humor?<\/p>\n\n\n\n The people who know you best want to do what they have the most fun doing with you. They think of you first when they want to do that activity, because you help make it enjoyable. Pay attention when your friends seek you out, or complement you, and remember what they like about you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s also important to consider the personality qualities you like about yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Knowing what people enjoy about you is valuable for two reasons. First, it\u2019s good to remind yourself of those positive attributes when you\u2019re feeling anxious or unattractive. Second, you will know what qualities to display when you\u2019re meeting someone new.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thinking of dating as squirrel hunting will give you the framework you need to change your unsuccessful dating patterns into fun, safe, and effective methods that will actually result in a healthy relationship. As the old song says, \u201cI wish you love.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u00a9 2019 adapted from: Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today <\/em>https:\/\/tinyurl.com\/y8tdwwje<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Author Bio: <\/strong>Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. (www.tinatessina.com)<\/a> is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years\u2019 experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr.<\/em> Romance\u2019s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction<\/em>; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty<\/em>; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences<\/em>, The Real 13<\/em>th<\/em><\/sup> Step<\/em> , How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together<\/em> and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free<\/em>. She writes the \u201cDr. Romance\u201d blog (drromance.typepad.com<\/a>), and the \u201cHappiness Tips from Tina\u201d email newsletter. Online, she\u2019s known as \u201cDr. Romance\u201d Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The most frequent problem I hear from single clients is that of how and where to search for a partner. 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